these things blur together
shards, thorns, and daggers
ribbons, leaves, and flowers
I've been thinking a lot about excess, surplus, aggrandizement, addition, increase, intensity. A lot of things have contributed to this sentiment.
And so I keep looking at everything in my life and finding excesses and too-much and seeing in myself a child given a tub of ice cream, who goes to the bottom and gets sick. In the mess of tabs and files I accumulate, or the portions of food that I cook, or the exhaustion that comes with being kicked out of places.
少少的
Conversely, I do not really believe that this lends itself to "minimalism". that I am gesturing to abstention or elimination. I do not think that I would be happy with nothing. I also do not inherently believe in the virtue of golden means. I do not want for the things in my life to be strictly utilitarian, either.
I remember someone calling 重庆话 as 短也直, maybe this is what I want out of things.
I think this comes from a desire for an honesty of appearances, maybe? I keep looking at things and wanting for it's form to be it's content, or something pretentious sounding like that. Maybe this sentiment that people are not their possessions? No, that isn't quite it either...
Well, okay, maybe the best way to describe this is to describe how I think I ought to live?
I want one or two bites of a variety of things, rather than twenty bites of one thing. I really like looking at shōjin ryori meals. I want a shitty thinkpad computer with an e-reader, flashcards for language learning, and some way to message my friends. I want one outfit for each day of the week. I guess I want to use neocities more regularly.
I want to make a different song every day.
I did not really mean for this to turn into one of those "here is why I am switching to neocities" posts. I've seen a million posts about how social media is bad and how people are switching on sites with one or five posts. I think this is what my post is turning into.
I hope it's a little more interesting than most of them at least. That's a sort of narcissistic thing to say. It's actually really charming that people want to make a difference in their life. I hope they do. I think that's very cute.
I was really manic yesterday, obsessing over Heraclitus. Because, if there is no being, if there are no states, if it is all just the present, then I should let go of any expectation of an ending, a satisfaction. I just want to enjoy reading «Making of the Middle Sea» without the expectation that one day, I will be an autodidact of classical history, or that I will be this person other than myself, or that doing any of this will change me and then I'll be Happy. I won't one day become this really skilled musician and suddenly be able to make things I want to put online. I am trying to make music because it is fun and it makes me happy. There is no great realization on the horizon, just a slow awareness that grows and recedes of something that is already there. Knowledge is not an orgasm.
So I guess that's how I've been.
album of the day: https://cuddlyone.bandcamp.com/album/apistat-commander