kaliedophilia

Lost my discord account by accident today, I've had it for like, 11 years? So many sentimental conversations and conversations I used to read over and

nah lol im fucking with you

I mean I did lose it, but actually I don't really feel anything

it's kind of cathartic, even

like, whatever? anybody who matters to me can still talk to me. I see my siblings every friday, I still get to practice language, I can still organize movie nights with my friends

really it was a lot of social hoarding, this thing of like, oh, ill talk to this person one day, we could really be friends someday, yeah. whatever.

i already know who my real friends are

So, I mean, yeah, here's the thing that was on my mind that I actually wanted to write about:

I'm really struggling to balance all my interests against eachother. I keep finding things that I theoretically want to be interested in, but simply do not have the time to pursue. Between music, language, and reading, each finds itself so time consuming and demanding as to fight over how I decide to spend each day, and I feel like it is to the detriment of each. It feels as if each day I commit to Tagalog, some aspect of my Chinese falters against it. Each hour I spend reading that day is to the damage of both, but if I let a week slip between chapters, I suddenly need to trace back my steps. And for all the time that I spend without making something in a DAW, whenever I open up Ableton, there's this sense of relearning everything from scratch.

Well, that isn't true for Ableton so much, at least not this week. Something seems to be clicking into place.

This week I mostly read. I know that I'm going to open another Filipino Jayden Animations type channel and feel totally lost again

There's no real resolution to any of this. It's just like, this feeling of hitting a wall in terms of the logistics of things

I tried learning Irish in Febuary and went to a pop up gaeltacht in March and I think I used the most Irish out of every attendee, and then I stopped to switch to Welsh, because there's really beautiful music and easily accessed TV and people to speak to who I know better than the ones who speak Irish. Also Celtic languages are weirdly similar to Tagalog, but Welsh especially so, and I thought that it would help me appreciate the "essence" of VSO-y agglutinate-y things the way it took me ages to internalize SOV as something natural, but I keep finding that like, there's not much resistance in my brain and the feeling of thinking that way doesn't feel "different" or "alien" the way I wish it would? but maybe it's just because I'm not really at an outputting stage yet or something? I don't know.

And I guess I'm just kind of sad cuz like, the fire that was in me when I committed to learning Chinese, and that whole year, I'm sort of anxious I can't reproduce that with the same zeal and intensity, and all of a sudden, like four different langauges in, the process seems hard and unapproachable again.

And I guess, because of that, I just want to focus on music, which is probably what I should be doing

so yeah that's kind of where I'm at and how things are

albam of the dae: https://joabcervantes.bandcamp.com/album/vol-1