It is, physiologically, probably irresponsible to drink tea, a stimulant, after intense psychdelic experiences. But it's what I've always done. Bai mu dan, white peony, my darling liquid honey, is a recovery drink to me. It eases the body load, it centers my thoughts, it provides space for contemplation. It is neither too intense nor too light, and as I lounge about on couches, or beds, or chairs, or floors, I am able to feel genuinely secure in myself.
Ruyao pale and bitter tongued
I feel and feel--and--taste the sun
in imitation(,) ending a second steeping
with crying and clawing and sitting
sticky rice birdwatcher, jade colored wares
belong to none
I think for the first time in my life I seem to be on a path towards happy in a larger way I kind of didn't believe was actually real. I am still disenfranchised, impoverished, immobile, and these are things to address by all means, but my running awry interiority has run out of breath and I no longer fear for the person I am "supposed" to be. I had a very life changing psychdelic experience two days ago (7th of december) and it's put me much at ease with myself. I'm out of a job and running out of savings, but it's gonna be okay.
Bai mudan is floral, honeylike, textured, warm. It holds me together at my worst and serves to remind me that I am always able to change or survive as a person. It's a bandaid over all the ritual internal self scarification and bitterness inside. I'm going to Amazing Baby it up on monday. Thank you Fuding, Fujian, I love you.